Feels like a holiday

You can usually tell when a holiday is coming in my house. There are seasonal paper plates on the kitchen counter, the fridge is full of Coca Cola, various meats, and the freezer as exponentially more desserts that normal.

The sink and counter surrounding has dirty dishes, empty cans, and newpapers around them, and the entire first floor is cast in darkness.

Except the blue glow of the television, of course.

My mother watches tv from when she got up, to whenever she decides that the dishes need to get done, so we can make room for more dirty ones later.

Holidays in my house are basically just days (or weeks, depending on how long me and my sister have off school) where everyone stops working. Homework doesn't get done until thursday (or friday... or saturday...or sunday) night, and everyone mulls around, watching telly, drinking soda, and just lounging around the house.

No one really works. We pretend to, but then, 15 minutes later, we put down the projects and turn the TV back on.

Sometimes we go out, to a fast food place, or the commisary, to pick up a dish we are craving.

No one is really loud. We get slothfully angry. No force is heard in our voices. No rage lasts long.

My home is very sleepy during the holidays.

*yawn*

I'm going to go watch NCIS with a bag of chocolates now, I'll talk to you lot later ;)

Living with ADHD

Any big thing in my family has always been somehow centered around me- I'm not trying to be self centered or egotistic or anything, I'm just saying I've been a big shit stirrer in anything that I do.

My sister gets sidelined a lot, and once in a while, it becomes obvious and we go "oh." And then joke about how she'd boring; doesn't do any new tricks. However, this isn't always the case. When me and my sister were in primary school, she'd get much more praise than I- for good reason.

I've only been diagnosed with ADHD and medicated for less than a year. Being a Junior in High School, you can tell I've been functioning, or at least trying to function, with ADHD for a very, very long time. When I'm off my meds, I'm very short tempered, argumentative, prone to outburts of anger or tears. I forget any mundane task I'm told to do, and I jump from subject to subject with frightening ease. I'm an emotional, empathetic person on or off my meds, but combined with the short attention span and subject jumping symptoms that go with ADHD, I'm a very unlikeable person.

I also talk a lot, make off color jokes at the wrong time, and I have trouble gauging any given situation off my meds.

Combine this with the fact that I've spent a vast majority of my school career being scolded for speaking out of turn, being teased for crying at silly things, and being grounded for talking back and insulting my parents without thinking, It can be said that I get a lot more attention than my sister- and most of it is negative.

With ADHD, people tend to be more creative, more innovative than your average person. And I am a very creative person, and I have a tendency to find different ways to solve problems because I wasn't listening when I was told how to. But more often than not, when someone with ADHD goes undiagnosed for a long period of time, and isn't given the proper tools to function in the way society wishes, they fail in crucial areas and get punished or scolded.

This is the first time I have ever gotten good marks my first marking period of school. The first time ever I have not been grounded for doing poorly. Instead of bad comments by my teachers, I get positive, 'she goes above and beyond' comments.

And my mother now feels like shit.

You see, I can't count how many times I have been grounded, scolded and punished for bad behaviour in school and in public, how many times I've said something out of turn, said something I shouldn't have, and was punished for it. My mother has been told twice at the very least that I may have ADD or ADHD, and refused to get me diagnosed and medicated because she was worried that the meds would take away my personality, make me boring like my sister (she goes by the book on everything, and has problems solving things on her own).

Now that articles and studies are popping up, saying that punishing children with ADHD for behaviour they can't control may actually push them towards substance abuse and overall abusive behaviour to others, now that studies are saying that kids who aren't medicated would actually set them up for mental illness. Now that studies say that medication doesn't make a child with ADHD turn to more serious drugs, Mum is feeling horrible.

She is meeting people with children my age who are immensely talented, creative, intelligent AND with ADHD, who have been medicated since they were 8, she tells me she is very, very sorry.

ADHD, like behaviour and mood disorders, aren't things you can turn off or tune down with ease. I've met people who are Bipolar who tell me they hate how their parents and partners tell them to just tune it down and control themselves, because their disorder doesn't work like that, and I empathize with them totally. I go through that everytime I forget my meds. "Mel, control yourself. Mel, calm down. Mel, relax". It's insulting to people with ADHD to tell them to "tune it down a bit" when you're on a hyper spree and careening to some sort of emotional explosion at the end.

It's also demeening to call one's medication 'Happy Pills'. It's like saying your frustration and anger and distress doesn't mean anything when you're off your meds, and when you are on your meds and having an emotional breakdown, to have your mother ask you if "you've taken your happy pill today." My emotions are genuine and credible. My ability to take character attacks and mean comments just increases when I'm on my meds, I don't get 'happier', I'm just calmer and less unstable. What angers me when I'm off my meds still angers me when I'm on them, I'm just less likely to cry and scream because I can take more of it without breaking down.

This is probably one of the biggest reasons why kids with ADHD are more likely to be chronically depressed. When they go undiagnosed, no one understands why you can't be 'normal' and when they ARE diagnosed, well, all their emotions just get discredited because it's the ADHD that's making them upset- not us!

Right.

You are totally NOT making us feel like our feelings and frustration doesn't mean anything.
You totally aren't attacking the validity of our thoughts by saying "It's only because you're unmedicated that you're even acting like this"
You totally aren't undermining our opinions by asking us if we're medicated when we get emotional about a subject.

You totally aren't pushing us to a mental breakdown because of your dangerous ignorance of our disorder.



Living with ADHD openly is like openly admitting to any other disorder. You meet a lot of people who have no idea what it's like to function on or off your medication, who think the meds 'cure' you, and wonder why you get so angry when they vocalize these untruths and misconceptions. Maybe you meet a normal person who understands what you're going through, but usually, your best friend is going to be someone who is in a similar situation in life like you.

I love talking with my friend Kaitlyn, who also has ADHD. She knows what I'm talking about when I vent about how mean and ignorant mum can be about my ADHD, and also knows what it's like to come to school on your meds and totally feel like they aren't working, because you're just feeling down an thinking too much about heavy subjects. And when one of us forget our meds, we keep each other in check, in an empathic way. "Kaitlyn! You're totally wackier than normal- d'ju forget your meds?" "Mel, girl, you're talking too loud- relax!" Of course, the fact we both hadthe same condition may have something to do with how we're okay with each other telling us this. If our mothers said these things to us, we'd freak out.

and of course, when we both forget our meds, it's fun, because we have our subject jumps in either the same or opposite directions, and laugh about it, and just babble. It appears ADHD gets exponentially worse if others with it are around.

But it's not always fun. You feel left behind in class because your mind is elsewhere. You don't feel on top of things, because you think so fast, but rather, behind. Thinking so fast makes you miss out on crucial information, and the lack of control over this doubles the frustration of missing out on info. In conversations with friends at school, you feel bad because they're boring you, and you want to talk about something else, but no one else will move off that damned topic. And when it's really bad, you bounce from conversation to conversation, looking for meaningful exchanges of ideas and opinions, but you actually miss out on them BECAUSE you're bouncing from conversation to conversation. It's like channel surfing. Something good is on TV, simply by mathematical probability, but if you just flick through, you probably end up catching the commercials. You miss out on the substance because your convinced you might be missing out on the substance elsewhere, and then as soon as you leave, what you're looking for pops up, and you never even know it was there.

ADHD isn't all sugar highs and giddy, chatty people. It's also frustration and feelings of being unfulfilled, missing out on crucial knowledge and a lack of connection with other people. I'm convinced I never made that many friends simply because of my channel surfing nature in human interaction. 'Something better must be happening elsewhere!" and you kick yourself when you find out something exciting happens after you leave- you kick yourself for not making the friends you should have in your year because they didn't have the substance you wanted, when really, they did, you just were never there to witness it.

I think BB blocked me...

And I feel really insulted.

I could go on about how horrible this incident is, but instead, I'll leave you with a little peice of wisdom I learned in History:

"A party divided never accomplishes anything"

This is why my mother tells me to avoid politics in school

We were talking about the recent elections in my astronomy class today. And yet again, I am astounded at the irresponsibility of my peers.

Two of my friends are old enough to vote- One voted republican (ick ick ick!) and the other voted independant (and put stupid ass people in the spaces).

ASIDE from the IDIOCY of voting republican, they spoke of how they didn't like democrats for wanting to pull out of Iraq quickly, and for wanting to raise the taxes.

I heard that and my jaw dropped. In my house, we don't like taxes for one reason: They take up too much damn time. After that, they're all good. When corporations run our medical facilities, our schools, our social security programs, that's when everything gets unfair and unequal. Capitalism's core beleif is 'the survival of the fittest'- and when the weak are the ones primarily needing and USING these facilities, it kind of negates the whole purpose of our institutions, no?

Which is why I don't mind high taxes. I can live on a low budget. It's not hard. High gas prices? I'll ride public transport. Losing a chunk of my paycheck to the gov't? Well, if I don't have to worry about health insurance and retirement, It's all fine and dandy! With high taxes, a smart gov't would direct it to the school systems, and to medical care, to social security funds. If we turn to a more socialist government, we don't have to freak out over our weak, our poor. England is doing well for itself, as is Canada, and their taxes are 30-50% of their pay!

And when you think about it, doesn't that much *go* to your various insurances anyway?

And with the pulling out of Iraq quickly, well, I don't CARE if it's "another Vietnam", we need to get the hell out of there!!

To many of my friends fathers have died or been seriously injured there, we (as a country) already look like asses in front of the UN, and god fucking damnit, we should have pulled out when we realized there were NEVER any weapons of mass destruction. We have been in Iraq unnecisarally since I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL.

7TH GRADE!!

4-5ish Years of UNNECISSARY WAR

WE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS

When I get pissy, my opinions get loud.

I've been able to read my feminist blogs again, without feeling TOO bitter (still having issues with BB's, but that can be expected, that is where I got burned...) and a lot of things have been brought to my attention as "importante subjects" (say that with a spanish accent)

Abortion, Dieting, Porn and Beauty Regimines.

Since I like the shockers first, Let me start with Abortion:

Mi Madre had an abortion. When we were having our weeklong debacle over sexuality, we argued over the importance and how identity meshed sexuality & abortion was, and then mom told me she had an abortion. It was a real eye opener, I tell yah.

Today I heard this dumbass talk about this other girl who "took too many abortion pills and now she's shitting out the fetus".

Uhm, EXCUSE ME? That's not how it WORKS babydoll. By "abortion pills" you mean RU485 (or some number like that), This is how it works: A set number of pills and 2 days to a week of cramping out the fetal tissue. There's no such thing as "too many abortion pills" as they don't give you "too many". They give you what you need, and not much else, as those fuckers can kill ya if you take to many of 'em.

If, by abortion pills, you mean Emergency Contraception, then A) They are NOT abortion pills, they are contraception, and the prevent zygotes from sticking to the uterine walls. B) If this girl DID take them while she was pregnant, it would cause a misscarriage or stillbirth, depending on the time the fetus was in there. And then the whole damn thing would come out- not "fingers and shit".

And you can't "shit out fetus bits"!!!

And even IF the death of the fetus DIDN'T cause immediate expelling contractions, she would have gone to the DOCTOR, who would have INDUCED the fucker.

*rolls eyes* My peers, I swear.

Shocker Duex: Porn.

Mixed feelings. I'm a heavy lover of smutty fanfiction and yaoi. It's not the same as the Porn many are fighting for/against, but it's still porn-y. I'll sit back and clutch my smut and hope no one yells at me for it....

Shocker thr33: Dieting

Also mixed feelings. I like being thin, because I love ballet and dance,and long limbs and willowy figures are GOOD for rhythm and such. Ribbony movements and the like. Now, I can see how many people see it as a bad thing, as the current craze is that of "Big Breasted Anorexics" and I gotta tell you one thing: I don't look anorexic, and it's not my fault my boobs are big. I don't like 'em. They get in the way of archery...

Also, eating disorders run in my family, and it's kinda creepy looking at food and wondering if you yourself will develop a complex over it, thus developing a complex over developing a complex.

Shocker Four: Beauty Regimines.

I hate pimples. I like silky legs (they are REALLY fun to touch!!) I don't like sweaty armpits, and smelling MILDLY of body is okay (yay dove!) I don't like split ends and dry hair, and unibrows or lady moustaches. Which is why I submit to scrubbings, shaving, freaky hair care regimes and once or twice a month get dragged kicking and screaming to the waxer (sensitive skin...)

And THEN, I wear my baggy ass clothes that cover EVERYTHING, tie up my hair except for some loose bangs and go muck around in whatever project I'm working on and get paint all over my face.

I feel clean when I do all those things. I don't show them off, I just feel less grimy. I don't wear make up (grimy and oily!!), I wear low-maintenance glasses, and I looove jeans and boots and baggy cotton tees. I don't look like your average teenage girl who GETS all these things done- I pull a 4.1 GPA, I take no shit from my male peers and I dress rather conservatively, except when I feel rather confident that I don't look hideous.

When it comes to beauty regimes, I am not much of a feminist. I don't care what you do, as long as you are clean and fresh and don't smell malodorous. Don't shave, shave, make up, no make up, skimpy clothes, no skin showing, I don't care. (well, I will look at you funny if you have a lot of makeup on and not a lot of clothes)

Meh, I don't care much for excuses on my liking to shave and getting all this shit done. My last name means "Child of the Wolf" I'm a dark, hairy girl, and dark hair DOES NOT make me comfortable in the least! (Lucky fuzzy blonde girls!)

It's a little disconcerting

A while back I was insulted by a forum member of one of my favorite webcomics "The Devil's Panties". I had brought up that I was a feminist, and he pleaded with me not to be like one of "those women" who "hate men" and had supposedly insulted and ragged on him during his college career. He had met me at a comic book convention and we were chatting quite nicely about our favorite subject, Jennie Breeden and Comic Books. So his main defense was to plead with me to remain nice because I was a cool girl who was fun to hang around-

Needless to say a flamewar unraveled and it was established that he did insult me because I identified with being a feminist, and then he quickly went out of his way to convince me not to be. We still chat, but feminism is a "hands off" topic, because I am very good at inadvertantly starting flamewars, and feminist debates don't belong in a comic forum unless it has something to do with the plot- and it doesn't.

I have recently had to concede to him that most radical feminists are as nasty as he claims them to be.

I was over at BB's comments, minding my beeswax, pointing outhow this this and this was indeed rape and supporting other feminists against the anti-feminist trolls. Conforming quite nicely, you know?

Well, one poster claimed that it was impossible for a young boy to be rape by a woman, and if he claims to be, he is most certainly lying.

Remember Friend? How I told his story on several occaisions as an example of the demented control, abuse and power that sex can have over people, and that jazz? I told them about Friend, and Girlfriend.

And BB told me that my story sounded like Urban Legend, and that she's heard that story before, almost word for word.

I wasn't lying. I don't lie about these things. One of my other feminist friends (who I have met face-to-face!!) reads this blog, and he knows I am not one to lie about rape and mental disease and assualt and other horrors that I and my friends have to deal with day in and day out. I DON'T LIE ABOUT THESE THINGS.

So I tried to tell BB that I wasn't lying, and I wasn't telling her to spend just as much time on Male Rape as Female Rape- female rape happens much more often. I just want the male victims to be beleived, you know? That's the whole reason why Friend is angsting over the law, because it doesn't support female-against-male rape, and why he has only told me and Girlfriend. No one will beleive him.

And then this other poster thanked BB for the heads up on the "Urban Legend thing" that "She almost had me going there."

Okay, thanks for your support older feminists. Thanks for encouraging a young woman to go down this harrowing path filled with trolls and threats and verbal abuse. I was encouraged to continue this blog by several big-time feminist bloggers, now, I doubt any of them read it. I doubt this will ever get to BB or her commenters who's comments made me realize why my forum-friends encouraged me to never be a feminist in the first place.

This is the world. There are haters on both sides. Where on earth can a lover go?

No, Really?

Study Says: Teens still practising unsafe sex

Any Steve or Nancy could have told you that you moron. Even in 'record numbers' or 'more dangerously than before'.

Want us to practise safe sex? MAKE IT EASIER TO GET CHEAP EFFECTIVE BIRTH CONTROL YOU FUCKING TWIT!!

*ahem*

Why are all these studies about teens always seem so...NO SHIT!?

Maybe because I am a teenager, and I know.

eeeh, feck it.

Scientists are stupid, I say.

I'm a simple girl...

I've been browsing the blog "Real Men are Not" and I found a blog describing the primal ways of men. You know, stereotypically. The author is describing an article one of his classmates wrote, and it starts out "I like my liquour hard, my women cheap and my cars fast".

I have a counter one!

"I'm a simple girl, I like my booz cheap, my flunkies male and my comics perverted"

There we go! A simple way to describe me in as many syllables as the male described!

I also like my men hard, but that's because I'm goofy and also "one of the guys"

I have always been, "One of the Guys", because being "one of the girls" hurts like hell. (Fuck Waxing!) So what does it mean when I trade in my feminine stereotype with a fratboy stereotype? (I admit, I am very, very fratty) Am I Dyke-ish? Am I even a "Real Woman?"

Well, considering there's a whole SUBCULTURE for women like me, who trade in the delicate submissive female stereotype for the rough-and-tumble, fight hard, drink hard, dork-out lifestyle, I think I'm one of the infamous "exceptions".

I'm a Ladette! Yes, I have boobs, I wear my hair long, and I'd get arrested for walking around topless, but if you point out these facts and make it seem like I'm weak because of it, I'll slug ya!

I'm a long way from being a "true ladette" (only because mum throws out my baggy stuff) But hey! I'm already considered an equal to my dorky, insane guyfriends.

Go me.

It's confusing, I know. Compartmentalizing is an awkward, weird thing and honestly, I have no idea how I can shuck all stereotypes. Nhilism didn't work the first time you know. Maybe if we let us fall into whatever stereotypes we wish for?

I'm happy with my fratboy stereotype. Are you happy with yours?

Fuck Men

Okay, so I was in the lunch room today, minding my own beeswax, listening in to a conversation between two of my guy friends about 'Heros'~ that new show with all those people with super powers. Well, mondays episode, the cheerleader who was invincible, she almost got raped by her male friend, and she 'died' until the coroner pulled the stick out of her spinal column.

Anyway, this kid who I don't even know the name too, he was telling to my friend Sam about that episode, and described the girls almost-rape as "kind of hot."

-this is where i turn around with a look of disgust-

Me: Remind me to never be in the same room as you alone

Kid: Huh?

Me: You thought that was hot; You are sick

Kid: What? It's only a show

Me: It's a dipiction of rape and you are fucking demented.

I turned around and for a while I went from digusted, to angry, to afraid. I don't know how Sam thought of the idea, but I was sooo scared. Statistically speaking, males who find depictions of violent sex as 'hot' are pretty much 10x more likely to rape than males who don't.

I got up and left the table with all my stuff. I was sooo scared. And sick to my stomach. I was mean to my guy friends in my next class, but oh my god, I was so scared.

Shaking, unable to speak, sick to my stomach, please don't touch me scared. I think I almost cried a couple times.

I see this kid every day! I can't feel safe around him anymore.

*deep breath*

I don't feel safe anymore...

LGBT meeting

I went to an LGBT meeting tuesday night, and we all ended up talking about when and where the stigma and labels came from. I ended up spouting my historical theories, and was there from beginning to end.

I also admitted (in a sense) to my peers that I was bi. I talked about the odd conflicting feelings I got when I was 12 and saw TaTu (i know they aren't lesbians, but still!) kiss in their music videos. And how I went "oh fuck all" and decided to go with the flow. The flow ended up being boyfriends that came by every so often, and a girlfriend who my mom though was just a really good friend of mine (Sleepovers ^^) that lasted almost two years.

I think I confused the professor there (he was gay) because there is a lot of stigma attached to being bisexual. People just say you are being greedy. Honestly, because of this, I put that label aside and put on the one of being "gender blind", because I do fall in love with who I fall in love with. I am attracted by both genders, but by a sheer matter of interested girls not being common, interested boys are, and weither or not they fit my personality requirements (i.e. total opposite in temperment, but still smart and knowledgable on base issues and open to odd ideas) these boys either get shoved off fairly quickly (second boyfriend) or I end up loving them with such a passion, I decide that they are my soulmate (most recent, and current ex-long long LONG story).

I'm tired of the stigma of being bisexual. Now I did play into that stereotype a couple times, once as a gag with some friends, and a second time just for the hell of it. I regret the second time (the first was just plain funny) and I don't want to play into the stereotype again.

I figure I can make some give-room for these things, as a teenager, albeit an intelligent one, I think I'm allowed to play into stereotypes once in a while.

But the stigma still sucks, just so you know.

Anyway, at the end, it ended up being filled with either the open homosexuals, or the really strong allies, and coming out stories ended up being shared. The funniest was when a girl came out to her parents about being straight. They thought she was a lesbian because she read a feminist book "Cunt."

Yes, you heard me right!

I'm getting hit with spammer bots!

Seriously, I got one about computer parts in my atom.xml post, and one about college majors in my "last viable socio-political rant" post!! wtf???

How do you get rid of them?

Atom.exl? Atox.xml? Wazzat?

An apparently regular reader (yay, my first!) says that when she put my blog in Google reader, something-that-starts-with-"A"-that-I-have-never-heard-of-before only dates back to July, and she want's to star/fav a post I did then (I FEEL SPECIAL!!). She wants to know if I know why.

That would be a negatory!

Also, this regular reader hid her blog in her profile, so I can't read her blog!! (is sad) I'll blog roll you, or if you don't like that, merely bookmark you!

Also, I have a new AIM name. I'll put it up in a few- unfortunately, I am rarely online these days, with final projects and all.

So long for now <3!

In class with nothing to work with

I am in my Electronic Media class right now, and since I have just finished my first film project (which has managed to be just under a minute long) I have nothing to do. So my choices were "Myspace or Blogger?"

Lucky you!

Anyhow, I'm just musing out loud (or in text...) on mental health. I had a spazzy brain-moment last night and when I woke up, I realized I was scolding myself (in my head) in my sleep. I was dreaming about yelling at myself!!! That's not good, anyone can tell you that.

Since this blog is too new, and I'm in a public place, I'm not about to bear-all about my head just yet. Anyhow, Before hand, I did a little automatic writing on a gameboy advance-type thing (the one with the touch pad). It was a "light show" generator. I was just goofing off, saying silly things and it degenerated from there. I ended up being in a sour mood, and decided to take a nap. which is when I dreamt about yelling at myself.

Meh, whatever.

I'm just posting this as a buffer for my entry below. I wanna be able to visit my site without people looking at me oddly, you know?

One More Rapist is Put Behind Bars!!!

One of my friends from school, who I have known since 7th grade (who shall remain nameless) was raped shortly before the end of school. She came to school, utterly destraught and flinching from male contact. Her having an abusive father, I thought he did something. I asked her if her dad did anything, and she said "no, not him". I looked at her funny, and noticed bruises and cuts on her arms. I figured the bruises to be from her father, and the cuts, her reaction to the abuse. I pulled her to the side, and told her to tell me what happened, or else I would "Jump to the worst of Conclusions".

She looked at me, silent.

"It was the worst, isn't it?"

"Yes..."

"Who did it? What son-of-a-bitch hurt you?"

"I don't know..."

"What? What happened?"

She explained to me how she was just goofing off in the woods behind her house when she was attacked by a strange young man. It was night and she didn't get to see his face. She was raped, and beaten. Not badly, because she didn't have too many bruises, at least, ones I could see.

"Did you get a rape kit?"

"No..."

"You showered, didn't you?"

"Yes..."

"*NAME* That's so stupid! They won't catch him if you showered! All that DNA is lost!"

"Me and My stepmom are going to the hospital tonight with the clothes I wore. They can do tests on those, right?"

"Yea, I suppose...I hope they catch the fucking bastard! I hope he gets fucking castrated for what he did!

And almost a month later, he has been caught. My friend now carries mace around with her, but she is okay, and coping.

What sucks is that it had happened before to her. But she's a tough girl, and the people who love her know what happened and are there for her.

I got her text message only a few hours ago, and I was so happy, and so shocked to hear the news. From what little she had to turn in, they were able to catch the fucking bastard.

I don't know what to make of this!

It makes sense, and in all reality, there are severe differences in the male and female brains, but this kind of information at the wrong time can utterly fuck up our movement! I'm all for better women's medicine, goddess knows that medicine, especially in the mental area, has fallen short for women for centuries.

what do you all think?


The Article called "Why Girls will be Girls"

Why being a teenager is fun:

1) Straddling the line between 'Child' and 'Adult' lets you sample the best (and worst) of both worlds.

2) The non-commiting sexual innuendo

3) Hide And Seek is still the BEST GAME EVER

4) Moodswings = Normal and are tolerated

5) A Bunch of kids together leads to a massive squealing giggle fit, or a huge fight. A Bunch of adults leads to lazy time, or crazy passionate wild times. A Bunch of Teenagers is usually a combination of all four.

6) Tickle/Hug Orgies

7) The right to scream out the names of anatomy and no one will look at you strangely

8) Understanding the sexual undertones of Disney movies, and still appreceating the childish part of it.

9) High School is a structured part of your life that contains a surprising amount of freedom that primary school (or even home) allows.

10) All nighters that have nothing to do with school work

11) the odd sexual-but-not behaviour of a group of co-ed teens

12) The way a goofy conversation can flip into a massive political debate.

13) Every damn teenager is borderline ADD

14) Every Damn teenager is easily amused (when with other teenagers, and left to their own devices)

15) OMGWTF IT'S SHINY!!

16) I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!!

17) Hijacking friend's AIM friends lists, and posing as your friend to complete strangers, WHILE YOUR FRIEND IS STANDING THERE LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF

18) SUGAR-CAFFINE-STROBELIGHTS-BLACKLIGHTS-ROCKMUSIC-PRETTYMEN-PRETTYWOMEN-GLITTER-INTERNET-OLDEIGHTIESMOVIES.

19) Ever taken the purity test around masses of teenagers? Ish interesting!

20) THIS IS THE INDICATING TIME ON HOW WEIRD YOU ARE GOING TO BE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! SCARY, HUH?

It's been so long since my last viable socio-political rant...

But I have nothing to rant about! Le Gasp, Oh Noes!!!

I just don't know what to rant o--- oh wait, yes I do.

The Pain Ray.

the motherfucking PAIN RAY!!!

Aparrently the military has developed a wide-beam ray that penetrates the skin at 1/64 of a centimeter (to hit nerve endings) and releases a ray that burns you. Now, some people might say "why not just attack a person with curling irons?"

Well, this ray was developed for riots in the Middle East. And will probably be brought to a demonstration near you.

brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

They're developing a death ray too. with MICROWAVES. Because mammals explode when exposed to microwaves.

I'm going to my corner now. Tell me when the apololyspe comes so I can throw a "so long, assholes" party.

Feeling kinda bad...

...In a nauseous, depressed sort of way.

My final projects and my portfolio review is coming up, and I really, really need to get it all done. I'm also very very tired, and frankly, my need for sleep kinda supercedes work. I also need to calm the fuck down, so I can do my work without wanting to collapse and hide in a closet.

Bah, the book I am currently reading is very negative in my opinion. As soon as the author brought up "Gay Agenda", I kinda just felt sicker than I already did.

I'm giving it back to the girl I borrowed it from, and that jazz.

I had a killer bad stomach, so I threw up. I've also been having really, really bad gas, and I think a mix of my period coming and undue stress has been messing with my gastro-intestinal tract. *wants to collaspe* I'm supposed to go to a thing at 7 to learn about my proffesor's careers, so I'll be gone then. I should probably go brush teeth some more...

Uggh, I feel like crap

*headdesk*

God damn it all, Love is such a bitch!

Let me add on to that: My recent ex and I had broken up a full 2-3 months ago due to the fact he was leaving. We understood we still had(/have) feelings for each other, but because he's moving and the next time we would see each other would be never or at the very least inconvenient, we promised each other that we wouldn't wait up and get hung up on each other. Really dandy right? Execpt for the fact that I am going into a quasi-relationship with a really sweet guy (who has had no previous g/f) and I'm still thinking about my ex constantly.

I'm going to do Sweet Guy good (as in be a good g/f, none of that my-ex-did-this, my-ex-did-that, sometimes-you-remind-me-of-my-ex shtick) and 'break him in' well, and try and forget about Ex, so bad stuff won't happen- I made this mistake before, on a lesser degree, and don't plan on making it again.

So really, I'm headdesking because I'm still obsessed with Ex, and still really care about him- scratch that- still really love him, and This new guy comes along who'd I'd fall for on any other circumstances (we're in a summer program and after it ens, we are going back to our respective states: MD and Kentucky) and all the new chemistry and the old chemistry just doesn't mix too well.

gah, je ne sais pas quand faitre. *le sigh*

Yes, Late-night freak-outs are VERY common for me, thank-you-very-much!

I thought I had lost my keys just now. By Keys, I mean the 200 dollars I'd have to pay to replace losing 4 studio keys, and the 100 dollars I'd have to pay for someone to use a lock cutter on two padlocks, and some other ghastly amount I'd have to pay for someone to break into my bike lock, and 60 dollars for a replacement house key. For the last ten or twenty minutes, I have been (silently, for my roomie was asleep) tearing my dorm apart, search for the buggers, because I knew I had them with me when I was getting ready for my gallery opening friday night. I also knew I removed them from my backpack (which I use as a purse here) so I wouldn't jingle. So thus, they had to be in said dorm room. And they were. In a little make up bag I had forgotten to bring with me that night. It was also the very, very last place I thought to look, but should have been the first, because I am very fond of bags and boxes and putting things in said bags and boxes for safe keeping.

I like hapazard organization, it's home-y. Now I'm lounging in my desk, with the keys hooked to my new bungie wallet (pictures to be taken later, same for my gallery display) trying to get my heart rate down. The thing with adrenaline is that it gives you a wam feeling that isn't sweaty- it's that artery-widening effect I think. Or constriction. I dunno. Just does something to the circulatory system that makes you warmer.

These kinds of freakouts are common, and like to take place during inconvenient times, like in the middle of a class or night when people are to be focused on something else, and you must be SILENT.

Anyhow, while I've been in CMU, I've started to read other people's books, because I have only brought two of my own and they were finished very promptly. So I read the players guide for the 3.5 version of D&D, Memoirs of a geisha, a collection of Cathy sunday strips, and a quasi-satire book called Humans, detailing our strange habits in the eyes of aliens. An anthropology book if you will.

Currently I'm attacking a book called 100 110 people who are screwing up america (and al franken is #37) . I feelmoderately bad that some of these people are totally forgein to me, and the only ones I recognize are the likes of Courtney Love and Eminiem (I think Courtney Love is misunderstood though, this author simply put 'HO' in her little section. She's had it rough.) Over-all I think he has some good points, like how artists embrace anything that offends 'The Man' and how liberals tend to go out of their way to please people of color/disability so to seem more open minded than conservatives, almost to the point of restricting freedom of speech.

It also got me thinking on patriotism. when I was little, I read in the newspaper (it was my old fashioned version of the internet, first I'd check the funnies, then I'd see if there was anything I'd find interesting) that some people thought that the Star Spangled Banner portrayed America as a violent, war-loving country. That made me upset, because at that age, The only war I had been aware of was the vietnam war that took place so much earlier, before my birth. AGES ago, it seemed. War was bad, and I did not like war, and I liked America, because I lived there. If Where I lived portrayed an image of Loving Something Bad, then I did not want that to continue. I began to like 'My Country 'Tis of Thee" and "God Bless America" a whole lot more. When I was informed that the founding fathers owned slaves, I was put off and felt ashamed of them. Also, to learn that Thomas Jefferson had put down his wife in her pleas to include women in the terms of the Constitution and Bill of Rights had upset me. I was proud of my country until I grew older and began to come across information that pointed out the horrors of my nation. Fourth Of July soon was unable to make me feel good about America, as it had when I was in primary school.

But as i get into the middle of the book, I tend to disagree more with the author. Now, I may be wrong, but it seemed to me, that at one point her said that feminism was irrelevant to modern society. I could be taking out of context, but basically, his book with downhill from there. (Him being Bernard Goldberd) anyway, I'm tired and will leave this blog at the word(s):

GOOD-NIGHT

Liberals, Conservatives, and Being a Bisexual, Hyper, Affectionate Teen on a College Campus filled with "don't touch me!" people.

And the award for long-ass title goes to me!

Anyway, I'm in Carnegie Mellon right now. Being all artsy and away from my mother, do art homework, that jazz. Though, on the drive up here, I kept seeing all these obsene pro-life billboards, and people standing on corners saying that BC and Abortion gives you cancer.

So, while CMU is open to gays, females and minorities, if you have a liberal mindset, it would be easier for you to just not talk. This isn't too bad (my school is almost the same), the fact that no one here is affectionate with their friends really BUGS ME. I like hugging on my guyfriends and my girlfriends! I like having ticklefights that aren't construed into something sexual or relationship-y. I don't WANT a relationship. I don't WANT a boyfriend. If anything, I want a good guyfriend who has that just right level of affection and weirdness. Someone who doesn't seem like he loves me so much when I don't love him back.

But this is an emo post of me feeling left out and sad. I need to find another clique.

Father's Day

Father's Day is horrible. Horrible in the sense that all the cards kids can give to dads involve money and what said child will do with the father in the future.

All the goofy, sweet cards you can give to your mom, don't seem to apply to your father. My dad, when I was little, was a kick-ass dad. He played games with me and my sister, taught us how to make straw-wrapper missles and turn your straw in a triangle. All the rude things that little kids do in restaurants, my father taught yours truely.

He took us Mini-Golfing, killed us all in board games like Monopoly and Risk (and after 10 years, we finally had the sense to ban him from Monopoly, and Risk just takes too long to ban him from that) He let us put kiddie jewelry on him from Pretty Pretty Princess (I have a picture of him in those green earrings SOMEWHERE!) and played "Camping" and "Monster" with us.

My dad was a cool dad.

Now, being a teenager, we don't talk at all, accept whenever he finds me up reeeeeeeeally late at night when he comes home from a Gig, watching CowBoy Bebop (did I mention he got me The Best of Cowboy Bebop? He did!) we talk about the Jazz in the background, and we laugh at the lame jokes. We watch Simpsons together when we can, and laugh at the stupid stuff mom hates. We don't play silly pretend games, and I'm not too fond of Uno and Yahtzee, the games my sister and Mom want to play during 'family fun night' (I play the obligatory game, and then promptly high-tail it outta there).

I don't get to share much with my dad at all anymore. I haven't played Mini Golf with him since I was ten.

He doesn't deserve these money cards. He deserves:

"Love you dad, and thanks for all those stupid games you played with us. It's amazing I didn't get a scar when I hit my head on the window sill after the jumping-off-the-breakfront-and-on-your-bed fiasco. I hope you're just as cool for my kids too. -LBS"

That's what he deserves, not some lame ass crack about retirement homes being expensive and that stuff.

Gah!

People Suck

They really really suck.

GF and Friend have both been raped. BOTH OF THEM.

Do you know what that means?

The light of my life, and the guy who makes her feel loved have been manipulated, crushed, utterly destroyed by others.

By a babysitters boyfriend, and a friend he was supposed to trust.

A female is capable to rape a male. Rape is forcing or threatening to force somone for sexual acts.

This bitch threatened Friend by saying she'd say he raped her if he didn't do what she said. He discribes those nights (yes, plural!) as the worst thing that every happened to him, utter nightmares. She couldn't force him to have vaginal penitration sex with her, so I'm glad he has something left that wasn't sullied by that bitch.

Why is he sullied? he isn't. He was forced, it was taken, There was no dirtying, just a lot of fear, pain and heartbreak.

But that night will never leave him.

Never. And he will eventually have to tell GF, and... I don't know what that will do to them.

Damnit all...

Relationship, Power, and other serious things I've just recently come to know.

I'm 15. I've told you this. You know I'm a teenager. I have budding, developing ideas and morals that may cause me to spout idiotic shit every once in a while. But I'm on the right track. You don't have to tell me this, I just know.

But when it comes to things that, as a young adult, I'm expected to learn about, I have no idea what to make of it.

Things like Relationships, Abuse, Sex, Power. Things that I have to be a savvy player about, to survive the Patriarchy.

Things, that, when you plop them in front of my psyche, I have the metaphorcal habit of sitting in front of them and poking them with a stick. I just don't know what to make of them.

And, as a young adult, the reality of all these things tying together becomes clear. Dangerously Clear.

Relationships will eventually lead to Sex. Sex has a Power structure that can lead to Abuse. In Relationships, someone is always the dominant one, the leader, the one with Power. Power can lead to Abuse. Abuse can involve Sex.

Relationships: Sex
Sex: Power
Power: Abuse
Relationship: Power
Power: Sex
Sex: Abuse

Being involved with other people will always involve, or at least put you at risk for these scary things.

And even now, I can see my friends suffer from the affects of these. My Girlfriend was dating this boy for two years now. I have been dating her for one. GF moved away last christmas and Boy and I have been missing her something chronic. Now, us three have this mutual friend. Friend has a tendancy to crush on his female friends. No Big, when you tell Friend that you are uninterested, he leaves you alone.

GF suffered from sexual and physical abuse by the hands of her old, regular babysitter and her boyfriend. At the young age of 6-8.

Boy knew this. I knew this. Friend knew this. We took it upon ourselves to show GF that she is worthy, loved, and fucking gorgeous, because SHE IS. GF doesn't beleive us, but appreciates it none-the-less.

But recently, Boy thought GF was cheating on him with Friend. GF has only had a crush on Friend, and never did anything more than freak out over the fact that she wasn't emotionally faithful to Boy. Boy's accusations tore her apart and now Friend and I have to pick up the peices.

Friend and GF are not officially in a relationship, but they love each other. And I'm standing on the sidelines wondering if I'll have to pick up some more peices at a later date.

Power, Relationships, Abuse.

I have another friend, Girly, who has been in abusive relationships with older men, has been raped, and whenever she finds herself with a good boy, she dumps him, because she is scared. Her father is also abusive, and her biological mother doesn't give a shit about her.

Girly was raped again, a week ago, behind her house, by a stranger. Her step mother took her to the hospital for the rape kit. That day in school, I found cuts on her arms, bruises on her torso and shoulders, and she looked so tired. Her current boyfriend, a sweet young lad who is a year younger than her, was wondering why she was avoiding him. One of her Ex's, who is also a nice guy, but older, kept an eye out for her and offered whatever comfort he could. My boyfriend watched her while she kept silent.

They didn't think to ask why she was acting this way. But I knew the signs. I saw a bad day on Girly's face and I've seen several before. I've seen cuts and self inflicted injury, and I hate her father, her dirt bag exes and all the strange men and family friends who played her and used her and hurt her.

I had a hateful look on my face when I found out, and all I could think about was how much every man in this world needed to die. I am the only person she can talk to about her father, mother, exes and step mother who understands how helpless she is, how weak she thinks she is. The only person who always stands up for her, but also gives her the truth when she needs it.

Power, Relationships, Sex, Abuse

My first boyfriend was a sex maniac, and exactly two years and six days older than me. He told me when we were first going out that he liked to "be in control". I told him I preferred partenerships. He thought I didn't know what he was talking about. But I did.

I had my first sexual experience with him, and I was ashamed for breaking my promise to my mother to wait until I found someone I loved truely, and I wasn't sure about FBF. My mother found out, after seeing us after we had broken up, and asked me if we had sex, oral sex. Because there was "something between us". I told her the truth. By her standards, I did. But there was no connection. I didn't feel like what I did was sex, because sex in my mind was something beautiful, and what we did was secretive.

My mother went ballistic at me, and when telling FBF that my mother found out, and she was pissed, he was all but sympathetic. He blamed me, called me a tattler, and called me all sorts of degrading names and said that I was trying to pin the fault of the act on him. He knew my mother was pissed at him, because my mother had told him that I "wasn't to have sex". After cursing him out, I walked away to nurse my wounds with a group of friends who I didn't tell what happened, because I didn't need anyone preaching me like my mother.

Relationships, Power, Sex

All these things young adults have to deal with, and don't know what to make of them because media, our parents, and the radical/conservatives all tell us otherwise.

Personally, I love my current boyfriend to bits, because he asked me every step of the way if I wanted to do this-or-that. Making out on his bed, he asked me if I wanted to have sex, and was perfectly alright with my "no". We just went back to necking. I love him for that. My Girlfriend (GF) is a viable goddess, and I think she deserves the best the world has to give. I feel equal with them, and they respect me, and I them.

But still, These heaven sent people are not permenant. They have both moved, and while me and GF are still in a relationship, it isn't as serious as hers was with Boy or as what hers will be with Friend. Me and CBF are not offically dating, and are 'single' but still love each other to bits and would talk for hours on the phone if parents and cellular plans permit. We want to see each other again, and He calls me "just to talk" and we end up babbling about the randomest of crap. Yesterday we spent 10 minutes talking about MATH and division tricks, and spent the following 5 minutes talking about how silly it was that we were talking about MATH.

GF and I would instant message an eternity of "*huggles*" if we could.

I am one lucky S.O.B. at the moment, but still, I ask;

Why can't everyone else be as lucky? Why do Abusive people exist? When, exactly, did the Patriarchy Okay this? Why does sex have to be shameful? Why is virginity such a black-and-white thing? In my eyes, sex is what you make of it, and by my definition, I'm a virgin! By my mother's, I am not. Now, if I had oral sex with CBF, I wouldn't be. Because I love him, and we're emotionally attached, and I'll be damned if he wasn't as nervous about sex as I am.

But now I'm rambling and should sign off before my father finds out I'm not the good little girl he thinks me to be...

Commercials are DANGEROUS!

But you know this already, don't you?

If you do, then cookies for you! If you don't, let me show you how, exactly.

Example One:Walmart Commercials
Let me be the FIRST to say that I love-love-love Walmart. It's cheap, It's wonderful for a grab-and-go search, and a dream for shop-phobics like me.

But their recent commercial campaign is confusing the hell out of me.

The Went in for Small, Insignificant Thing and came out with Large, Ghastly Expensive Object That Will Put Me In Debt campaign.

The first few parts didn't bug me. Went in for eyedrops, came out with a really nice shirt, went in for food, came out with cute earrings. Little treats that make you feel better. I mean, food shopping and pharmacy hopping is NEVER fun, ALWAYS stressful (yes, a 15 year-old knows this), so picking up a walmart shirt (NINE DOLLARS!) or cute spunky earrings (from a few dollars to a few hundred, depending which area you get it from) is no big deal. I'd treat myself to those things too, if I fell in love with it.

The hideous, promoting-shopping-addiction truth dawned on me when I watched the commercial about the mother/wife figure goes in for a CHOCOLATE BAR and comes out with A FUCKING FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION.

Come on, say it with me now:
What The FUCK?!

The narration was "I went in for something to treat myself, and come out with something to treat the whole family."

Okay, now, If my mother came home with a ghastly expensive electronics system to 'treat the family' not only would dad be seriously pissed at her (we are just barely scraping lower-middle-class) but my sister AS WELL AS MYSELF (this is significant as I usually do not care about money) would go:

"Ma, the money! We need that money for the shit we really want! Not a flat screen! Our 3-10 year old sets work terrifically. Why'd you get a FLAT SCREEN? Who are you trying to impress? Are you gonna be like GRANMA and AUNTY now? Don't we still have a mortgage to pay off? Electrical Bills that are skyrocketing? Gas Prices we need to cover? No seriously, who're trying to impress? If it was us, just make some cookies, and we'd be happy! That's a damn treat! Not a tv! Do we really need another one?"

Yes, incredibly disrespectful, I know, but mum has a tendency to buy things in excess that takes ages for us to use. Wonderful when it comes to office supplies (all of us use printer paper by the reem). Really, really bad when it comes to food, clothes (I DON'T NEED ANOTHER SHIRT!! GET RID OF THIS CRAP) and odds-n-ends.

So you can see why I find this commercial to be dangerous. *reads post*

Okay, no, you won't.

What's so inherently idiotic and dangerous about this campaign is that Walmart is the EveryMan Store. It's target consumer is literally WHITE TRASH. By telling TConsumer it's okay to go in for shit that you need and come out with crap that you don't, they are setting up shopoholics for a financial pitfall.

After all, if TV says it's okay, It must be!

This is also bad for Walmart because if TConsumer can't go in and buy crap it needs on the regular basis it used to, Walmarts cash flow would start doing a start-stop pattern that is just SO stressful for CEO McMoneyPants and Salary. I.E. Bad For Economy.

So Walmart's current campaign is Potentially Hazardous to The Patriarchy's Health.

Example Two:Cingular

We've all seen the Cingular Campaign of We don't drop your phone calls, baby, and it's the truth cause an independant research group says so! (Which is utter bullshit, I have Cingular, and it seems that whenever I call my boyfriend, MY CALL ALWAYS DROPS every few minutes from 8-9 on weeknights.)

We've all seen the stereotypical young, talkative adults who are soooooo shallow and gossip and such, and I could just go on a never-ending RANT about the one-dimensional idiocy of those commercials. But they aren't as alarm-blaring as this one Cingular Commercial involving a chef.

A chef waving around a knife in anger, mouthing words you can't hear about something-or-other.

I don't remember what exactly was said because I couldn't keep my damn eyes off the waving butcher knife of doom. Seriously, no good chef would wave their cutlery around like that. And this commercial, if I recall correctly, insinuated he was a big-boy in the food industry.

For some reason, this bugs me WAY more than that ditzy stereotypes of talkative college students, and I don't care.

I am a Random Chef. I pull whatever I can find out of the fridge, mix it with this-or-that, add some ancient store-bought herbs in my mothers spice rack, and I have a cuisine my mother wants to steal from me cause it smells so damn good. So seeing a supposed 'professional' (even a commercial one) going against one of the most IMPORTANT Kitchen Safety Rule (which is a SIBLING of the Children's Safety Rule Don't Run With Scissors) just makes me go all GAH!! Bad! BADBADBAD!! Nooooooo!!!!

Commercials, my friends, are DANGEROUS MOTHERS!!! Don't watch them unless you know how to dissect them!

Quotes are the food for cynical minds

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie" until you can find a rock."- Will Rogers

"I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist must be out of step with his time." -Orson Welles

"Insanity in individuals is rare, but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." - Nietzsche

"I know the answer! The answer lies in the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." -Charles Schultz

I originally thought this article was going to be a piece of orthodox crap

When actually, it's very much liberal:
Newsweek's Religion article; Who Was Mary Magdalene?

Like many recent articles that have to do with Christianity and Mary Magdalene, this article scrutinizes the roles given to her by The DaVinci Code.

I've never read The DaVinci Code, I want to though, and the idea that Jesus and Mary had a relationship intregued me. I welcomed it as a possibility. The whole issue I have with religion is that all it's central characters are all so inhuman, people I cannot even conceive to relate to. And since religion prides itself in being a moral role-model, how can anyone have a role-model that don't relate to?

Jesus having a romantic relationship make him human, makes him a more obtainable ideal.

But because I have never read the book, I don't even know what role Mary played. Was she an intellectual, spiritual equal to Jesus, did they have a feiry romance, or was she a companion, someone Jesus doted on?

And because I was never raised to beleive in much more than myself, I don't know much about how the Church portrays her. I know that a Pope called her a prostitute, and John Paul II took that back (go john paul!!) and I know she and Mary of Nazarath (jesus' mother) both witnessed his entire death, and Mary witnessed his ressurection. The timelines, the basic facts.

The idea that Mary was a very important person in Jesus's circle made me one happy little feminist.

But this article insinuates that even The DaVinci Code described her as a purely defined-by-sexuality character, just like the Church does!

Now wait a minute...

The book pushes her sexuality, and becuase she was important, she was important for her femininity, for her sex, for the fact she was the womb Jesus' baby was carried in.

Who here who reads I Blame The Patriarchy thinks that's screwy?

*waves hand*

Being important because one is the physical carrier of the spiritual doesn't make you all that important- Like Mary, Mother of God. Yea, Catholics pray to her, Yeah, she's the patron saint of something-or-other (what, you expect me to know them all?) but is she reviered because of her intellegence and spirituality, or because she was knocked up by something that wasn't man/earthly creature?

I'll give you a hint: It's not the first one.

As cliche as this sounds; labels suck, should be done away with, and the person responsible for creating them should be stabbed.

Mary was the disciple/apostle who really got Jesus, who didn't have to have anything "proved" to her (even though he banished the seven demons that possesed her) and was willing to follow him and his instructions, no matter what. The rest, from what I've gathered, doubted him in one form or another. If Jesus kissed her, it was a symbol, not of affection, love or lust, but the old, original one: A passing of knowledge, of truth.

And I dare anyone, Anyone to say that being loved for only your body is a good thing. I dare you.

Mary was the one with true Faith, and gracious, if that led to a relationship with Jesus, then YAY Jesus. If it didn't, then whatever, that doesn't change the fact that Mary beleived and taught well in Jesus' name.

In conclusion, I'm wary of The DaVinci Code, Orthodox Anything sucks as a rule, and Mary Magdalene wasn't Just Woman- she was a spiritual being who should be admired.

Why I have a severe dislike of the rap culture.

I admit it! I don't like the rap/hip hop culture. I really really don't like it. But, after having friends who are racist and watching an episode of Boondocks about a black guy who vehemently hates his own race, I wonder what makes me different from their bigotry.

I'm not saying I'm not prejudice. I am. I'm the last to admit it, but when it comes down to it, I am prejudice against people who look a certain way.

After accepting that, I decided to dismantle why I "hate" the rap culture, and by proxy, the people involved in it.

The first reason was very simple, and the very first reason I didn't like it: I couldn't sing or dance to it, or find any recognizable beat.

But then, I found that I had other reasons:

• The romanticizing of the gangsta culture isn't smart: drugs + guns = a lot of stupid youths who go and get themselves killed
• This sounds hypocritical, but I don't like the attitude. I am writing it under "They are ignorant and don't know that their hostility towards "That smart white chick" and calling my lab partners racist (because we don't work with them- they are rowdy and don't do work) isn't going to get them respect.
• The negative rowdiness. Don't like people causing fights. Starting mosh pits, playful sparring, goofing off is nice. Don't like instigating-which those in the rap culture do.
• The sex lyrics. The romantic kind in my rock music I can tolerate, it's subtle and sweet: FUCK DAT HO=no!
• The misogyny in general. I'm A PIMP and Gonna Tap Dat Sweet Ass, and Gonna Get Me Some Ho's...that all sickens me.

And because I hate the music and attitude associated with it, I tend to be wary of people who wear the rap/hip hop uniform. Since the rap culture promotes being dominant over "uppity" and smart people, I often get snapped at for simply making a light-hearted crack at little mistakes that I find amusing. So, I am careful around them and loudly grimace at their stupidity.

I clump it in with the rest of my peers. Most of them are ignorant, but the rap/hip hop cultured ones tend to be loudly and aggressively ignorant.

I don't like them for that.

My friends, however, associate 'rap' with black people- and don't like them because they are loud and aggressive. We all like loud, assertive and witty people, but while I vaguely associate rap with the way people dress, they strongly associate black people with aggressive and loud behavior.

This is usually when I remind them that I have a potpourri background- the only races I don't have are the asianic races. My background includes black people as well. I am loud, and aggressive. They say I'm different because I'm smart.

I know it's because I don't look black- If I looked as black as my genetics say I should (Gypsy, Puerto Rican, Black, Greek), It would take me being aggressively assertive for them to even talk to me.

I wonder why I'm friends with them- and then they make me laugh and giggle and make me feel better.

I currently write it under 'differences of opinion', and I pray they grow out of this as I do for the rap culture teens to grow out of their hostility.

But in reality, neither of the parties will do that.

Damn wishful thinking!!!

About The Author(ess)

Hello. I am a nameless entity that for the purposes of this blog, is self-named "Little Big Sister".

I chose this name to portray that fact that I am somewhere in the middle of being knowing and important "Big Sister" but still naive and a child "Little Sister". I'm also a 15 year-old feminist who is learning more and more about the world around her, and it's cultural controller, the "patriarchy". I would be called a "Little Sister" by some well-meaning feminist bloggers and would undoubtably be associated as such. I am also a "Big Sister" because, well, I am the eldest in my family, and also a mothering figure to my friends.

Hence "Little Big Sister"

Next up, the name of my blog: Genius is as Genius does.

I flatter myself by calling myself a genius, but a healthy self esteem is good, no? Anyhow, I used it to encourage not only others to read my blog, but to maintain a semblance of maturity and intellegence. I have a tendency to create memes and do "blog burps" in which I spam myself with quizzes and "I LOVED *insert decade here*" memes. I like to live up to names given to me specatcularly, and the one of my blog is quite a hassle to live up to, so my posts are few and far between.

My Posting Habits:

Are sporadic at best. I like blogging. A Lot. So To blog as MUCH AS POSSIBLE, I do the aforementioned blog burps. I refrain from that, and post only when something relevant occurs in my life to post. Or I feel ill and need to tell someone, anyone. Or when I find a relevant article to post about.

The Catagory in Which To Place My Blog:

Socio-political. I use this instead of soully feminist, because a lot of retarded shit happens and I like to post about it. Military Weapons that are retarded? CHECK Starving Children in Rwanda? CHECK Racist Lynchings below the Mason-Dixon line? CHECK Poor Mental Medical Care? CHECKCHECKCHECK!

I am a feminist, but I also like to see how else the world disapoints me so when I go into politics or sequential art, I have a lot of material to speech/draw about.

So you're an artist?

I like to think that. Comic Strips are my specialty, and since I have an interesting way of perceiving the world around me, they are always entertaining and somewhat poignant (at least in my mind)

What about politics?

Me and my friends have this ongoing plot to band together with all the other megalomanics who want to take over the world and go ahead and do it, and then have a "PONG" tournament to decide who is supreme ruler.

I rule at PONG.

So, you write about Gay Rights a lot, so...are you a lezzie/dyke/sapphist/etc.?

I was always a supporter for Gay Rights after being brutally tormented by my peers at a young age, when they thought I was a lesbian who felt up girls in bathrooms. But yes, I am bisexual, or "gender-blind" as I like to call it. I haven't had many girlfriends, but have you tried dating girls in my peer group? Fuckin' scary!

Dude...You're so Gay...

Dude...See my finger? It says "Fuck You!"...

Teacher Fired over In Vitro

I thought Catholics were happy as long as babies were born...

This is a private catholic school, but still, to fire a teacher over how she got pregnant with her children seems petty and horrendously wrong.

Especially since all these concervatives are all up in a huff over a decreasing birthrate.

Honestly, I'll all for a decreasing birthrate. People are leading longer lives and it's more humane to just not have kids than it is to kill old people. Breeding has become almost unnesicary. If people started to stop at one child, then we'd soon have a more managable population. 6 billion = too many damn people!

Yes, I like the earth more than I like people. It's not as snippity, thank-you-very-much!

Does the phrase "No Shit" mean anything to you?

This is so blatently stupid. And was published March 30th of THIS YEAR.

Is common sense THAT rare?

Yah, you fucktard, MULTIPLE BIRTHS ARE DANGEROUS.

idiots, the lot of them...

Human Beans (Old Rant from August 1, 2005)

Originally Posted in LiveJournal.

You know what pisses me off? People who are so OH YEA I'M SO OPEN MINDED I ACCEPT EVERYTHING BLAH BLAH BLAH!!

And then flame a person for having an unsavory-but not hate-crimeish-opinion and view on things. I read these comment posts on societysucks that branch off this journalist's entries who writes these really profound articles; Well, they seem profound, I only read the two titled Abortion; Sympathyless (or something like that) and The Holocaust Never Happened.

Yes, these topics and the content are extremely delicate- but *really* after reading them you see how he has a point- Most of our issues are really trivialties if you just step back and obsurve what the HELL is going on-

Why should we make a big deal about abortion? The children aren't born yet, they don't even *have* potential yet. Once the child is born, *then* they have potential- but a fetus doesn't even have a fully developed BRAIN. stop making a big deal about it!!

And all these well-intentioned equality things-- Its getting to a point where if a white person scolds a black person for doing something that *is* bad and shameful (cheating, lying etc.) the white person is immediately labled "racist"

Whats the point!?! Why cant we forget all these silly pre- and mis-conceptions and look at our fellow human beings as just that

HUMAN BEINGS

Get along you idiots!!

Quick Lesson (Old Rant from November 6, 2005)

Orignally posted on Livejournal:

Here's a quick little lesson in mental disorders.

THEY ARE NOTHING LIKE HABITS THAT ARE EASY TO QUIT WITH A "STRONG MIND" AND "GOOD FRIENDS".

You are Genetically Indisposed and/or an Experience makes you more suseptible to it. There is no changing it. You always have it. It takes severe and intense therapy and possibly medication to make is managable. And even that doesn't work too often.

And triggers? Yea, you can't help those. When your mind connects an object or image to an emotion and event that sends you off the edge, all you can do is either take the meds you have been given for those triggers, or ride it out and get any sort of comfort you fucking possibly can.

Anyone who says you "Chose your disorder" or "You Pick your Triggers" or it just takes "A little effort to change it." Is. A. Fucking. Retard.

You can't choose your disorder, you can't pick your triggers, and it takes a shit load of will power most people don't have, and never will have.

So please, for the love of god, before you tell me it's my own fault for freaking out in a crowded room surrounded by strangers, or for seeing a picture of what looks like people being beaten, remember, I CAN'T HELP THIS WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP, SOMETHING I DON'T HAVE.

And on a more bitter note, I do NOT have good friends, because they obviously don't know shit about psychology, and will hurt me with their idiotic grasps at mental disorders. Yes, I mean you [Person who I am no longer angry at].

Don't you dare say you were trying to help me, because you are so freakin misinformed and closed minded it isn't even FUNNY.

Feminism, A Definition (Post from May 15, 2006)

Originally Posted in Xanga- Sugar_katana

Today, I was taking to Maria about my paper, which is a literary analysis on By The Light of My Father's Smile, by Alice Walker. For all of you who aren't familiar with her work, She is a black, bisexual "womanist" (a feminist who is not only concerned with the 'white' issues, but also the issues of poor black women as well-or poor women in general of every race.)

I was talking about how my critical lense was a feminist lense, and a very obvious one at that, when Reema lent over, and told me "I'm sorry, but I just don't get the whole bra-burning thing."

I was just about to explain that to her, when I hiccuped and asked her "How did we get to this subject?"

She told me it was because I was talking about feminism. I made a face, but then explained it to her that the bra-burnings were symbolic of throwing of the restraints of a patriarchal society- they used bras, because bras are primarily designed by men, which is why it's so hard to find one that fits. Then I said it was all just a metaphor.

She said "I don't see why they would do that, because it would just give guys something to grin about."

I totally spaced that the bra-burners didn't even take off the bras they were wearing to burn- they brought extra ones. But I did say "Well, the burnings made people so scandalized, they started to think. If these people were scandalized or curious enough, they'd go and study feminism to see what the big deal was, they'd pay attention. The whole point was to get people to think."

Maria said "I still don't see why Bra-burnings are so important."

I told her "The Bra-burning weren't done by a majority of feminists, and being a feminist isn't about hating men, or burning bras. Being a feminist means being able to vote, choose weither you want to have a family, being able to own your property and keep your wages, to love who you wish, to control your own body, being able to be a church leader."

Maria said "Well, we have all that already."

"But it's more than that. If you believe that you deserve all those rights, deserve it from birth, that you shouldn't have to fight for it, then you are a feminist."

"Well, it's hard to understand these things. I didn't even hear about slavery before I came here. In my country, you didn't even hear about slavery. So when I came and heard about bra-burnings..."

"It's hard to take it serious, I know. But really, being feminist isn't a bad thing. It's more than all that. There are just alot of pre-and misconceptions about it."

And then we talked about her country, and stuff.

It's really disconcerting how many people think being a feminist is a bad thing. I remember my english teacher making a mini-fuss about writing "Ms. Lindsay" on our papers. I didn't know if she was married, or single, so "Ms." was a safe bet. You could be either with "Ms."

But she said "I took my husbands name, and I like being called 'Mrs.' I'm not a mean, hairy old feminist!"

I made a face and walked away at that. It's just so...

Lame!!

People are really ignorant.

The Sincerity of Blogging

I have three drafts on hold right now. One is about feminism, one is about mental health, and one is about how everyone is a human being and should there for act like one.

But the last two were written out of anger, and therefore, incredibly intellectually honest and kinda harsh. I use cuss words and 'retard' often.

The Feminism one I wrote as an observation of my peers and happened only a few days ago. The Human Beings one is almost a year old, and the Mental health one I wrote in november.

I find it kind of funny. All my blogs I created to voice my opinion, but because I either A: didn't have a receptive audience (friends, random ljers) or B: didn't have anything to write down my thoughts as they came to me, I gave up because I didn't feel like I was being listened to. Now I do, and I'm a little concerned about myself.

You see, I don't like the idea of myself being an attention grabber, someone who likes to show off and perform. It kinda hurts the "You May Get Better Grades, But I Get What's Going On" ego trip I've been riding for the last few years~ Practical street knowledge combined with a passing familiarity of what the Board of Ed mandates schools to teach is much more useful that just being fucking brilliant at identifying clauses and grammatical errors, or the 12 different ways to find the slope of a line.

Hell, I'm lucky if I catch a spelling error and remember even one formula! (Yet, I do so well on standardized tests. I'm in the top precentiles, usually better than at least 70% of my year in the whole state)

Point being (gracious, this is going to be another opinion peice rather than a "can't tell ya I didn't warn ya!" bit) is that sometimes, I feel like a sham on the internet, or even if I'm telling someone these things face to face. I feel so sure of myself when I'm alone in my room, thinking and scribbling down little ideas and thoughts, but as soon as I open my mouth, or start typing, I instantly start doubting myself.

What if I'm wrong?

What if I'm faking it?

The thing with opinions is that they are so solid when they are quiet, but once broadcasted, they become bullseyes, flimsy little peices of paper, ready for the target practice of others.

And some of those opinion-shooters are talented S.O.B's.

Your ego just takes a hit!

And on the topic of ego- I passingly mentioned in my first blog that I was going to CMU for a pre-college art program. Well, CMU is a primarily white and male school. 2/3rd of it being white and male. My mom said "Good thing you're a chick and Puerto Rican, it got you in Carnagie Mellon."

I kinda froze. One reason I'm so vehmently loud about feminism is because I don't want my gender to be a big definer of who I am. I don't want my race to be the reason someone likes/doesn't like me. Hell, I don't identify with my gender at all, or the male one either. The folds of skin between my legs? I have the geography memorized, but the meaning of it? The language? Total Mystery. My Race? I'm so mixed, I don't even bother to put down White and Puerto Rican, or anything else. I put down "human" year after year, just like my mother. I only put it down when obvious benefits would be reaped.

But after a St. Patty's day arguement with a friend of mine- straight white self-proclaimed redneck male- who said that he got a better score at the firehouse that a black kid, but was refused that job because he was white. Racial variety, ends up putting good men out of jobs, he said.

While I know some of it is bull, you can't help but think that some institutions are so afraid of discrimination suits that they go out of their way to push white males aside to pick up the black female who is a lesbian and is also wiccan, just to prove they aren't discrimatory.

This must sound SO bad, but I sent my app March 3rd, St Patty's is mid-march, and I found out about my acceptance May 3rd. So hearing that made me think "Was I only chosen because I'm female and Puerto Rican?" It's really unsettling, especially for me, becuase of my lack of identification with what I am genetically. When I think about myself, i don't think of terms of Fifteen, Female, Mixed, Highschool Student.

I think Hyper, Idyllic Outlook, Trustworthy, Secret Keeper, Friendly, Smart.

I would rather be chosen for the latter than the former.

Sometimes, you just think you are wrong, especially when you hear about fuck-ups who take things too far. And you get angry at yourself because you know you are right, and then you doubt your sincerity.

Identity crisis is to teenager-dom as Frustration is to Thinking.

But in the end, mum told me CMU uses a comparison desicion. The best in general are picked, and from there they chose in favor for racial and gender variaty.

That reassured me a little bit.

Anyhow, this post originally was to inform you a trio of older post/rants are going up and you have been warned about the coarse and intellectually honest language. (Hey, I'm a teen, I'm volitile, and I'm my mother's daughter. As smart as I am, when I get pissed, I can make the roughest sailor blush. My vocabulary instantly shrinks and limits me to the most monosyballic and simplistic words.)

I delude myself into thinking my peers think the same as me~

I have a lot of things written in my spiral notebook I carry around. Some of them are harsh criticisms of my friends, others are harsh criticisms in general. Here's one I wrote 5/18.

[...]
On the topic of my delusions, Health Class is a very good way to see who exactly in this school has been taught properly by their parents on the topics of rape, STD's and sexuality. Too many, I've found, think rape is the fault of the woman, abortion if wholly evil, that you should have the laws in our (secular) country mirror exactly the sentiments of the Christian Bible. They are "Christainists" as a TIMES columnist wrote. They force religion into the gov't, thinking that by doing what the 'bible' says, they are right.

I'm pretty sure Jesus said that "My Kingdom is Not of this World." Why should we try and make our mundane world the heavenly kingdom he advertises? It's not like we'd get props from God for doing so- it's basically idol worship.

The best thing for us to do is to leave the options of gay marriage, Abortion, and all the other highly publicized issues open for the people to use. Not everyone in the world subscribes to Fundamentalist Any Religion, and to try and force that upon them is to break honor with the commandments of the Bible these Christianist Politicians spout at random. Informing is entirely different from Converting, and Informing, my currently non-existent readers, is what Jesus asked his followers to do. Not to go into fertile earth-worship tribes and rape the land for being "heathens".

But I digress, and I know not all Christians are bad, and not all Christians are Christainist. The TIMES columnist, who so aptly put it, said that there are several Roman Catholic people who are personally devout, and publicly liberal.

In Health, I've realized that I am part of the fortunate few who have been educated properly on these issues: "Do what you damn well please, as long as it doesn't hurt me." is the standing motto in my family. Like the Wiccan "Harm None"

Now, at this, anti-choice advocates would say that abortion should be illegal, 'cause the woman having the abortion is harming a fetus. But even the anti-abortion laws have clauses that permit. One is when a woman's life is in danger, or when the child is so severely deformed and handicapped that it would require extensive, expensive medical care that the new mother may not be able to provide.

At that sentiment, if in dire situations, the choice between future child and the living mother falls to the side of the living mother, why can't that be the same for non-dire situations? Some women, while being emotionally capable to handle sex, are not ready to drop everything for children, or are even willing to consider the possibility.

The "If you can't handle Children, You shouldn't have Sex" movement seriously pisses me off. Sex isn't always about reproduction!!! In the right situations, sex is about love and satisfaction, the physical communion with another being.

This is what I told Roper (girl in my class). We started talking about the HPV virus (ackk, redundant, but doesn't flow otherwise!), which causes cervical cancer, and the vaccine for it that scientists are developing. These scientists are recommending that young girls who haven't been sexually active to take it, because that makes sense. You don't get a malaria vaccine after going to Africa! Vaccinations are preventive.

Yet, politicians are iffy about it, because they think that giving it to their daughters would promote the promiscuity of children. Roper thought so as well, and I told her the above bit on vaccinations. And often, it's not their fault! More often that not, husbands give it to their wives, as HPV is asymptomatic for males.

This led to abortion talks and rape as follows:

HPV Vaccine-Stupid politicians-Not woman's fault for disease-Causes infertility otherwise-Some people want kids, others don't-abortion-abortion clauses-Rape-woman's Fault.

I cut Roper off at that. When she said "Sometimes the woman is asking for it, like when she wears short skirts..." I raised my hands, and jokingly told her "Don't ever say that to me again, or around me, 'cause then I'd have to hit you!" She laughed at this, because earlier this week I joked with her about how angry I was when she did the "Day of Speaking Out"- a response to the Gay Protest "Day of Silence".

"Seriously though, it is never the woman's fault, To insinuate that is to say that women are merely sex objects, and that's not cool."

"I didn't mean that!" She said "Sometimes a girl just asks for it."

"Whoooa! No No No! That's not cool, Roper! I know women, fully grown, and friends, who've had that happen to them. Some were dancers, yes, but not that kind of dancer. Even if that was the case, it wasn't their fault! Others were just teenagers who are hanging out with family friends. None of them were asking for it."

"But some put themselves in those types of situations."

"No Roper, you don't 'put' yourself in those situations. It is never ever the victims fault. A woman should be able to go to a party and have a few beers and not have to worry if that cute guy sitting next to them will carry her up the stairs and rape her. It is never ever the victims fault, and they never put themselves in that situation. To say that would mean you think, and I understand you didn't meant it that way, but it would mean you think women are only sexual objects. Seriously Roper, I know women who've been raped, and then never ever deserved it, and they never ever asked to be raped."

I also said it was the assaulter's fault, all the time, and it's something no one ever ever deserves.

Anyway, I informed Roper very thoroughly on these subjects, and I think she actually listened and absorbed it. I said she should really read up on these things before spouting on opinion on it. The only reason I say my opinion is because I have read about it since I was unsure who's fault it was when I was 10. And because of this, I didn't say anything until I got the full story. Of course, I was 10, and it's not like the conversation about rape pops up in school when you're 10! Who talks about that when your 10?

The real issue is that so many of my so-called intelligent peers really don't know what they are talking about, what exactly is going on.

Same thing with Politicians. They are still in that indignant opinion stage of teenager-dom, and no one really knew or cared to inform them of the truth. Now that they are adults, and powerful ones at that, to get through to them is like trying to blow up a 100 ft thick wall with cheap snap-crackers. (Those firecrackers that look like little paper onions that pop with a sharp snap when you throw them on the sidewalk.)

We need more liberal parents and politicians.

Speaking of which, there's this minority party leader in some Greek island who's promoting for a "Utopian" gov't there. Unfortunately, he brought in the free love card too quickly. So conservatives who originally supported him didn't vote for him. That's horrid, because his ideas were actually pretty solid.

Anyway, I'm glad my parents accidentally raised me to be a liberal feminist, otherwise I'd be as ignorant as my peers.

Or would I? I'm not sure, you never really know, do you?

But how I turned out now is very, very satisfactory.

------------------------

After the "Liberal Parents and Politicians" bit, I was originally going to say "And that's why I want to take over the world" but I went off onto a separate tangent.

I have a male friend who has a "disappointed in the World Jar" currently there is $400 in the jar, and we figure in a few months he'd have enough money to buy a bomb that can destroy the world, or buy the world, instead of conquering it.

I'm advocating the second one, but he says he doesn't know, since he'd probably only use the money when he's gone mad from the idiocy of the world.

This kind of conversation happens between me and my friend quite often. At least, my very close and intelligent ones. The only difference between me and them is that I'm more verbal about politics than them. And they are slightly more eccentric than me. (I used to think that was never possible)

I am convinced that with the state international relations is in, the only thing that can fix it is a global dicator reign.

And I want to be the one to head it.

What can I say, I love power.

Well, lookit here!

This would be my 5th blog I actually use. Yes, I am a bit of a blog whore. (edit: sorry, I knew this would cause problems when I wrote it, but i honestly didn't know how else to describe my blog-enthusiastic behaviour! Until I find better adjectives, I will co-op the language and use it in 'positive' ways like hug-whore and the like. Special, hyper, eccentric friends rubbed off on me~)

Though I use each for separate reasons.

My livejournal I use to get wicca/gsa/mental health info via the communities. I post my recent humanities essays (English and Social Studies), info on mental health, and once in a while rants on society. This is friends only

My two xangas are used for separate reasons. One, sugar_katana, I use to update my friends on my life- as the stuff in my lj is very, very personal. The other, college_witch, Only has two entries in it thus far, but will have more when I go to CMU for their pre-college summer program. (Art!)

My MySpace is used to keep tabs on people who I have vendettas on, but they don't know about it. Sorta like being stalkerish, but not.

This one, I was thinking about getting, but wasn't sure about. Wordpress.com and Blogger.com all seem very serious- the bloggers here have an actual purpose. The ones I have used are very, how do you say?- scatterbrained and not very purpose-y. But then, after a feminist blogger encouraged me to get one after an anonymous comment, I decided "What The Hell? I'll just type up the crap I write in my notebook about society. Maybe an intelligent highschool feminist perspective will be a welcome one."

And to be honest, I don't really have an opportunity to rant about my feminist thoughts to my peers. My friends all basically agree with me, on some points, and others just don't care and think I'm weirder than before I started ranting. What they have in common is that they don't have a firm understanding on feminism, gay rights, and all these other issues. Even my teachers think feminists are "Mean, hairy old ladies".

And my feminist views are purely accidental. My parents were trying to being me up to be cautious, and to find a "happy medium". Being outspoken, curious and rebellious, even at age 8, I wanted to know why they were warning me about men, religion and politics. Soooo?

I found out. And became a feminist. And became a gay-rights advocate after being teased mercilessly by school mates for being a lesbian- at the age of 10.

My mum thinks I'm wasting time on these things when I should be working on school work. My mum wishes I wasn't so outspoken about my opinions. My dad yells at me for not listening to him, when he doesn't listen to me.

So I am going to use this to publish my jabber-rant-rambles about everything that gets me riled up.

Gracious, I hope I don't abandon this thing...