I'm 15. I've told you this. You know I'm a teenager. I have budding, developing ideas and morals that may cause me to spout idiotic shit every once in a while. But I'm on the right track. You don't have to tell me this, I just know.
But when it comes to things that, as a young adult, I'm expected to learn about, I have no idea what to make of it.
Things like Relationships, Abuse, Sex, Power. Things that I have to be a savvy player about, to survive the Patriarchy.
Things, that, when you plop them in front of my psyche, I have the metaphorcal habit of sitting in front of them and poking them with a stick. I just don't know what to make of them.
And, as a young adult, the reality of all these things tying together becomes clear. Dangerously Clear.
Relationships will eventually lead to Sex. Sex has a Power structure that can lead to Abuse. In Relationships, someone is always the dominant one, the leader, the one with Power. Power can lead to Abuse. Abuse can involve Sex.
Relationships: Sex
Sex: Power
Power: Abuse
Relationship: Power
Power: Sex
Sex: Abuse
Being involved with other people will always involve, or at least put you at risk for these scary things.
And even now, I can see my friends suffer from the affects of these. My Girlfriend was dating this boy for two years now. I have been dating her for one. GF moved away last christmas and Boy and I have been missing her something chronic. Now, us three have this mutual friend. Friend has a tendancy to crush on his female friends. No Big, when you tell Friend that you are uninterested, he leaves you alone.
GF suffered from sexual and physical abuse by the hands of her old, regular babysitter and her boyfriend. At the young age of 6-8.
Boy knew this. I knew this. Friend knew this. We took it upon ourselves to show GF that she is worthy, loved, and fucking gorgeous, because SHE IS. GF doesn't beleive us, but appreciates it none-the-less.
But recently, Boy thought GF was cheating on him with Friend. GF has only had a crush on Friend, and never did anything more than freak out over the fact that she wasn't emotionally faithful to Boy. Boy's accusations tore her apart and now Friend and I have to pick up the peices.
Friend and GF are not officially in a relationship, but they love each other. And I'm standing on the sidelines wondering if I'll have to pick up some more peices at a later date.
Power, Relationships, Abuse.
I have another friend, Girly, who has been in abusive relationships with older men, has been raped, and whenever she finds herself with a good boy, she dumps him, because she is scared. Her father is also abusive, and her biological mother doesn't give a shit about her.
Girly was raped again, a week ago, behind her house, by a stranger. Her step mother took her to the hospital for the rape kit. That day in school, I found cuts on her arms, bruises on her torso and shoulders, and she looked so tired. Her current boyfriend, a sweet young lad who is a year younger than her, was wondering why she was avoiding him. One of her Ex's, who is also a nice guy, but older, kept an eye out for her and offered whatever comfort he could. My boyfriend watched her while she kept silent.
They didn't think to ask why she was acting this way. But I knew the signs. I saw a bad day on Girly's face and I've seen several before. I've seen cuts and self inflicted injury, and I hate her father, her dirt bag exes and all the strange men and family friends who played her and used her and hurt her.
I had a hateful look on my face when I found out, and all I could think about was how much every man in this world needed to die. I am the only person she can talk to about her father, mother, exes and step mother who understands how helpless she is, how weak she thinks she is. The only person who always stands up for her, but also gives her the truth when she needs it.
Power, Relationships, Sex, Abuse
My first boyfriend was a sex maniac, and exactly two years and six days older than me. He told me when we were first going out that he liked to "be in control". I told him I preferred partenerships. He thought I didn't know what he was talking about. But I did.
I had my first sexual experience with him, and I was ashamed for breaking my promise to my mother to wait until I found someone I loved truely, and I wasn't sure about FBF. My mother found out, after seeing us after we had broken up, and asked me if we had sex, oral sex. Because there was "something between us". I told her the truth. By her standards, I did. But there was no connection. I didn't feel like what I did was sex, because sex in my mind was something beautiful, and what we did was secretive.
My mother went ballistic at me, and when telling FBF that my mother found out, and she was pissed, he was all but sympathetic. He blamed me, called me a tattler, and called me all sorts of degrading names and said that I was trying to pin the fault of the act on him. He knew my mother was pissed at him, because my mother had told him that I "wasn't to have sex". After cursing him out, I walked away to nurse my wounds with a group of friends who I didn't tell what happened, because I didn't need anyone preaching me like my mother.
Relationships, Power, Sex
All these things young adults have to deal with, and don't know what to make of them because media, our parents, and the radical/conservatives all tell us otherwise.
Personally, I love my current boyfriend to bits, because he asked me every step of the way if I wanted to do this-or-that. Making out on his bed, he asked me if I wanted to have sex, and was perfectly alright with my "no". We just went back to necking. I love him for that. My Girlfriend (GF) is a viable goddess, and I think she deserves the best the world has to give. I feel equal with them, and they respect me, and I them.
But still, These heaven sent people are not permenant. They have both moved, and while me and GF are still in a relationship, it isn't as serious as hers was with Boy or as what hers will be with Friend. Me and CBF are not offically dating, and are 'single' but still love each other to bits and would talk for hours on the phone if parents and cellular plans permit. We want to see each other again, and He calls me "just to talk" and we end up babbling about the randomest of crap. Yesterday we spent 10 minutes talking about MATH and division tricks, and spent the following 5 minutes talking about how silly it was that we were talking about MATH.
GF and I would instant message an eternity of "*huggles*" if we could.
I am one lucky S.O.B. at the moment, but still, I ask;
Why can't everyone else be as lucky? Why do Abusive people exist? When, exactly, did the Patriarchy Okay this? Why does sex have to be shameful? Why is virginity such a black-and-white thing? In my eyes, sex is what you make of it, and by my definition, I'm a virgin! By my mother's, I am not. Now, if I had oral sex with CBF, I wouldn't be. Because I love him, and we're emotionally attached, and I'll be damned if he wasn't as nervous about sex as I am.
But now I'm rambling and should sign off before my father finds out I'm not the good little girl he thinks me to be...
